The Brown Cow

Beginners

TheBrownCow — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 14:08:08 +0000

Just saw the movie, Beginners. I think I liked it, quite a bit.
The movie is about a man, Oliver, who had recently lost his father. About 4 years earlier, when Oliver lost his mother, his father, Hal, came out to his son.
Reason for doing so, after years of denial? Hal didn’t want to be theoretically gay.
I identified quite a bit with Oliver, with his seemingly understanding of relationships, yet was always alone. Reason being that despite wanting to be in a relationship, he secretly believes that it is doomed to failure, and never does anything to prevent it from happening. This was what he believed his parents had, a relationship that was doomed to fail.
I guess I identified with Hal as well. Yet despite wanting to live the life I want, I believe that my life is doomed to fail, and I in turn never do anything about it.
How did I ever allowed myself to believe in a fatalistic way of life, is beyond me. Maybe I had always been so. Where has my optimism gone?
Hal, who finally decided to live the life he wanted, realizes that his life is ending soon. Having waited, what seemed an eternity to do so, only to find out that death is only around the corner. Isn’t that life’s cruel joke?
The happiness that one so seeks, and finally found, is so fleeting. Is it worth it at all? I know that it is, but I just can’t bring myself to fight for it.
I can’t even begin to want to fight for it…

Sci-fi Nightmare

TheBrownCow — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 05:21:32 +0000

It’s been a while since I had an emotive dream. While I can’t really remember the premise of it, the gist of the nightmare (if I could even call it that) was that I was part of a convoy on a mission of sorts. We encounter an attack from a group, that we managed to put down, but that’s when the nightmare began. The bodies of the killed attackers started to change into alien-like forms and coming back to life. None of our artillery seemed to be effective against them now, and our ranks started thinning. I was able to grab a girl or child in our group, and together we attempted to escape death from the now resurrected attackers.
Unfortunately, as with all dreams, the beginning and the end are never remembered. And I think I started waking up mid-way through my escape attempt.
While I mentioned that it was a nightmare, I was never really frightened. I however felt a heightened level of excitement tinged with slight fear.
It was because of the heightened emotions that I felt, that made me remember the dream. At a time when I can only feel rage, excitement is something that is worth remembering, even if it was fleeting.

Feeling Blue As Always

TheBrownCow — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 00:29:01 +0000

Feeling blue as I always do,
When I feel short-changed for my contributions.
Feeling down as I always do,
How do I rid myself of this,
I know not how,
I know not how.

Moo Queues for iPhone 4

TheBrownCow — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 14:56:59 +0000

It is kind of amazing, the things that we do to land our hands on the latest nick knacks. I for one went to queue for the iPhone 4, at about 11pm on a Thursday night. The sad thing about it is that I am not even remotely sure if I am eligible to get the upgrade. I am holding out on the possibility that with only a few days till my 12 month eligibility is reached, I might be granted the opportunity to get the iPhone 4 on my current subscription plan. One can only wish, I guess.
Back to the queuing, either I was relatively early and line started late; or there is an unseen group further up. Either way Starhub publicity is trying to push hard for the iPhone sales. Having lost out in the initial iPhone bandwagon, it was afterall the last telco to start selling the phones, it is trying hard to play sales catchup against the other telcos.

Moo gently confronts his boss

TheBrownCow — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 07:02:18 +0000

On Thursday, 22 July 2010, I asked my boss if it was possible to arrange a session to air out certain issues, and perhaps try to resolve them. He was agreeable and on that same evening, I told him that with the current re-arranging of duties, I had no idea where I stood in the department; and that I felt that I was being singled out and nitpicked on by him, for whatever reasons. I also told him that I did not enjoy my past year, as it felt like I was constantly trying to fire-fight on issues caused by ill-conceived plans. Projects that required more thought and planning were never given the thought or planning. This resulted in a lot of unnecessary issues that arose that needed to be addressed. I told him that it was exhausting to have to constantly fire-fight.
This is then compounded by the lack of information flow to the rest of the department. Decisions are made on matters, and the information and rational does not get promulgated to the rest of the department. So when issues arise, it is difficult to resolve when it not known till too late. I cited the example on poor planning of the recent email migration issue, of how certain things were done the way they were without regard to certain operational requirements. That example was not to pinpoint a particular party’s short-comings, but to highlight how that was what the department was doing (in particular my boss and the assistant manager).

Moo’s issues with clingy people

TheBrownCow — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 00:25:05 +0000

Of late I have been continually been avoiding the advances of a rather clingy colleague, who insists on planning everything and trying to correct my being. She plans meals, movies, etc.
While it was initially a breathe of fresh air to hang out with someone different, her overt eagerness in this friendship has begun to irk me abit.
She is constantly trying to buy my meals, which is great if I was really cheap about it, but it seems to be in payment of something. Payment for friendship or anything, really irks me. My point is that if we are to be friends, do not try to buy my affections. I refused to be bought that way. If we are to be friends, do not try to change me in anyway. Who I am or what I choose to be is up to me to decide on, and no one has any right to attempt to change me.

Another Day, another argument with self

TheBrownCow — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 00:03:57 +0000

Yes, another day and like many before recently, I awake with imaginary arguments with my boss. Conversations that will never get actual airtime. But the negative emotions, seething anger and all residuals of imagined arguments feel just as real. So real, in fact, that they threaten to leave the confines of my mind and get expressed verbally in real life.
The cracks of my mental restraints have begun showing with my ever lessening patience for ineptitude, ignorance, lack of common sense or obliviousness of environment. In short, I am constantly short-tempered.
Just how much longer can I endure the mental assults is really unknown. Just how long before I blow my top is anyone’s guess. For now, all I have is myself and my journal to keep things under wraps. Even then, the restraints are tenuous at best.

Feeling Angry and Burnt Out

TheBrownCow — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 00:03:15 +0000

Yet another ironic predicament that I find myself in. My anger that has fed me for almost a year has started to slowly burn me out. I am feeling drained, and the anger that feeds me now threatens to drain me physically and emotionally.

Mid Life Crisis or Manic Depression

TheBrownCow — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 00:34:15 +0000

As the title suggests, I’m trying to determine if my mood is due to a mid-life crisis or because of manic depression. Is there a difference to either? Especially when I’m feeling so blue.
What worries me most is how my demise is starting to seem more enticing to me. So enticing that I might intentionally start seeking it. The mind wants what the mind wants. It will seek and try all means, conscious or otherwise, to achieve its goal.

A Single Man Watches A Single Man

TheBrownCow — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 13:47:56 +0000

No, this is not an entry on how I went cruising for guys. Although this entry does have a gay theme to it, it is mostly on account of the protaganist in the show.
Anyway, just saw the movie, and I’m now interested in reading the book of the same title. I believe the major book stores should already be carrying a copy of the book now, so it should not be too difficult to locate.
This movie had a profound effect on me, because I feel that it was the perfect movie at the perfect moment for me. Kind of a serendipitous moment, I guess?
The movie captured everything that I felt my life was at. A total lost and inability to find pleasure in my own life. Like George, I dread the start of a new day. Now more than ever. And like George, I am at the precipice seeking change. He picked at day to kill himself, I’m working myself slowly to death.
George is seeking death to ease his pains of lost, I’m seeking to ease my pains of being lost.
The movie has themes that I really like, dark humor (mostly self-deprecating) and irony. The irony comes near the end where George decides against suicide and yet dies of a heart attack at the end. Really reminds me of the Alanis Morrisette song, Ironic. How one finds a reason to live yet dies the next moment.
The final monolgue before his demise hits the nail, “everything is as is should be.” I hope that my death would also be as ironic, and I’d be allowed one line, “Great, isn’t it ironic…” Would that be great?
The sum of my life is the irony that I pursue.